Tuesday, April 17

What have you been smoking?

Doesn't this drink look delicious? It's got such a cool can, it's contents must be delectable, right?

Well, don't get your hopes up. It was a prototype that was abandoned and won't hit the market. But Chris got to sample it at work and brought some home to share. Only I couldn't drink it. It came with a warning label. A WARNING LABEL!?!? Yes. Apparently if you are a child, pregnant, or nursing, this drink could be dangerous for you. And even if you are a perfectly healthy adult who is neither carrying another life inside you nor lactating, you should UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES drink more than four cans in one 24 hour period. Why would they keep such a gem off the market? You understand why I'm a bit paranoid about my husband's lab job that requires him to sample things that are not yet approved by the FDA. Not that I've got a high respect for the FDA, but I'm catching myself before I digress too far. I've got a story to share.

I was sitting outside visiting with my neighbor, when Chris swaggered out and said. "I just got off the phone with our insurance company. Guess who just flunked their drug test?" My neighbor and I picked our jaws up and I said "You DIDN'T!!!" and he grinned, nodded, and said "No. YOU did!!!!!!" and laughed maniacally. He was briefly offended that I would automatically assume HE was the one to flunk a drug test, but I reminded him of the bizarre things he works with and he forgave me.

He told me that he and our insurance agent had quite the entertaining conversation, laughing back and forth, making jokes about how 'that explains so much,' 'treatment options,' 'that explains how she lost the baby weight so fast,' and 'you know it's not Meth or the house would be cleaner.' Then our agent said "the test could have been thrown off if she's pregnant." Our agent was not met with laughter, just terrified silence. "Nah, Chris, I'm just kidding," he said. Whew!

It turns out that the Twinlab Yeast Fighter supplement I was taking with my sugar fast included an ingredient called Pau d'arco, which shows up resembling an amphetamine. I had to go to the insurance office and meet a nurse for two separate drug tests to clear my good name. Chris had so much fun pestering me. "It's okay if you've got a problem. There are programs that can help."

Unfortunately, I forgot my 2nd drug test. I was on my way out of town when I got a call from Chris telling me to HURRY to the office for my pee-in-a-cup appointment. Our agent called Chris to see why I was late and Chris, not covering for me at all, sighed and said "Oh, this doesn't look good for her at all, does it?"

I made it. I felt bad that the nurse had driven an hour to get there and then had to wait another 15 minutes on me, but she just laughed and asked "Are you clean this time?" ha.ha.ha.

I was so flustered that when I went in to take the test, I forgot to go in the cup. I just went. So then I had to convince myself that I needed to go more. I was so embarassed thinking about how long I was taking and how it just couldn't look good and of course this just slowed me down more. But I managed to think my thirsty, rainy thoughts and finish my test and I am proud to say that I have officially passed my life insurance test. Go Me.


Jennie C. said...

Very funny!

David always wants to buy those energy drinks and I won't let him. I don't even like him drinking his diet pepsi with all those artificial sweeteners. And I hate when he lets the kids sip it. But then, I'm paranoid about food. :-D

Jennifer in MS said...

That's hilarious Jenn!! How did you figure out it was the yeast medicine?

Momma Roar said...

That was so funny - I needed a good laugh!

Christy said...

That was hilarious! I also needed a good laugh!!

Anonymous said...

That's my girl!

andie said...


I owe you an email - will try at naptime!

Jenni said...

That's too funny! Good to know, too, because I've taken that Pau d' Arco before. I think I still have some in my cabinet.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhhh, my druggie friend from the States. It has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? lolol

Caralyn :)

Michael McMullen said...

While my side hurts from laughing so hard, my head really hurts from when I fell out of my chair and hit my head on the desk.

Best line ever: "you know it's not Meth or the house would be cleaner."

Ow, ow...make it stop!

Jenn said...

LOL - I'll flatter myself and believe that my wit and humor made you laugh so hard you couldn't keep your balance.

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