"I Will Never"

I had an awesome drive this evening down a dirt road. The kids were asleep and I was able to turn the volume up and jam with a worship cd. The song "I will never" came on and it really struck some chords in my heart and I've been dwelling on it ever since. So......you get a long blog.

The words go like this:

I will never be the same again, I can never return, I've closed the door; I will walk the path, I'll run the race,And I will never be the same again.

Fall like fire, soak like rain,Flow like mighty waters, Again and again; Sweep away the darkness, Burn away the chaff,And let a flame burn, To glorify Your name.

There are higher heights, There are deeper seas,Whatever You need to do, Lord, do it in me. The glory of God, fills my life, And I will never be the same again.
Fall like fire, soak like rain,Flow like mighty waters, Again and again; Sweep away the darkness, Burn away the chaff,And let a flame burn, To glorify Your name.

The opening line, "I will never be the same again", got me reflecting on where I've been and where I'm at spiritually. I have a bad habit of comparing and I tend to have selective memory. I remember such passionate pursuing of the Lord and have been feeling so much guilt for my apathy lately. But I'm still walking. I was walking then and I'm walking now. I left my interlude with bitterness out of my memories of that time. I do not have that passionate love affair with the Lord that I once had, but I do not have that struggle with bitterness either. God HAS dealt with my heart. He has grown me through everything. Through my passionate ups to my tired and distracted downs...He never stopped. And my draining guilt has not come from God. Certainly, the Holy Spirit convicts our hearts and urges us to repentance. But He does not condemn and degrade. I love God. No, I'm not getting out of bed in the middle of the night to read chapters of my Bible or compose songs or sermons....but I still love Him. Just like I still love my husband. I am not greeting him at the door with a rose in my teeth and nothing anywhere else lately, but I still love him. I have a toddler and a baby for crying out loud!!!!! Of course I am slow and tired and boring right now. Some day, there will be a time for that kind of passion again. That doesn't make this moment in my walk any less precious and wonderful and EFFECTIVE. He can do plenty in me right here and right now. Yes, there are higher heights and there are deeper seas, and I am ready and willing to experience whatever God says I'm ready for. I've got to stop feeling guilty because I'm not walking a walk I wasn't called to. This is where I am and this is where I yield to God. "Whatever You need to do, Lord, do in me."  

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