Mom the Loser

I wandered into the living room last week to inspect the blanket forts being constructed around the living room. The boys were enshrouded in blankets and had no idea I had entered the room. Though I couldn't see them, I could hear them. I walked in to hear ".....Tell me about it! Ugh! And how about that rule: no computer time until your room is clean....have you seen her room?"

The discussion continued and my list of failures grew. The fried apples I had been snacking on suddenly felt very heavy and tasted very bland. If something can ruin apples fried in butter with brown sugar and cinnamon....you know it is bad indeed.

I worked around the nausea and asked the boys to come out for a chat. I'm not sure that I handled it well, but I was at a loss. I assured them they were not in trouble and that there is no sin in recognizing something unjust. I spoke to them about the necessity of taking grudges to the offender and not just speaking to other people. But I acknowledged the need sometimes to discuss and work through a problem with a trusted friend. I let them know I was glad they had chosen each other as confidantes and then explained the difference between encouraging your confidante to work through a problem biblically and the tendency to vent and plant seeds of bitterness.

But speaking to MOM about her faults? How does one go about that?

Once upon a time, we gave the boys notebooks to write notes to us for when uncomfortable topics came up. They were to leave the notebooks under my pillow to avoid making eye contact. It was a rarely used system through the years, but I suggested we resurrect it. I told the boys it sounded like they had some valid complaints that I would appreciate it if they could share a list for me.

That night, I received my list. They don't like the new dishwasher rule and they feel my computer rule is "hipacritical". Ethan wrote "I thought the rule was 'work first, play second' but you play on facebook before your chores are finished." Joel ended the list with "And please don't correct my spelling!"

These boys of mine don't have a sassy bone in their bodies. This was difficult for them. I've used kid gloves repenting and still discussing respect and appreciation. It hurt me like a knife, having that mirror held up in front of me but we're trying to make it a life lesson for all of us.

So now it's crackdown on habits week at my house and it's a terrible time for depression to try sneaking in. It's a rare thing, but every now and then it tries knocking on my door. I've learned a few tricks though:

#1 Know your enemy. Those little lies in my ears aren't from me. I may not feel to highly about myself right now but that little voice I'm hearing flat out hates me. It's not mine and it's not God's and I have no business listening to it. It's not welcome here.

#2. Moving targets are hard to hit. My first sign is generally a desire to sleep. It's not strange for me to be tired, but when I feel myself just wishing that I could go to sleep and not get up or not have to face anything, I know it's depression fitting me for lead boots. I make myself move. Motion begets motion. Last night, I invited people over. It forced me to finish those projects I had sitting out and made it impossible for me to wallow. Yesterday, I cancelled school and announced a fall drive.

#3. Garbage in, Garbage out. This is not the time for me to be reading emotional books, watching emotional movies, or gorging myself on cinnamon rolls. I'm impressionable and easily distracted. It would be inviting trouble. I also have to be careful to not sit and talk about it. I have a tendency to "dwell" and this isn't something that needs examined in the way us girlfriends are so good at doing, it's something that needs nipped. However, good stuff in equals good stuff out, so I know from experience that this is the time to surround myself with praise music and scripture. God's word is unfailing....even when I don't feel like it.

So I am valiantly working to not be Miss Grumpy McGrumpy-Buns while stepping back and re-evaluating my habits and methods. I need an occasional kick in the pants, but for the most part, it's coming together bit by bit and this new twist is just adding to the adventure.

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